Grown Girl's Rule #2: Never let a man come from another woman's house to yours!

That's right Ladies, I said it. Never let a man come from another woman's house to yours. I don't care if it's his mama's house, his sister's house and especially not the ex-girlfriend's house! That is definitely a NO-NO! This has been my rule from the time I left my mother's house and got my own apartment. And the one time that I wavered just a little bit...ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!

Now, I'm certainly not an advocate of "shacking up" nor do I have any plans of ever doing so (again) until the ring is on my finger, the date is set and we just so have happened to close on the property earlier than the wedding date...and even then, there are rules (another post). As my pastor, Dr. AR Bernard, teaches, living together is involvement, marriage is commitment. Even before that, for those of you who speak a different language, straight from my mom's kitchen "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Does that analogy work better for you? Despite hearing that a million times, there are many of us who will "shack up." No ring. No date. Just split the bills down the middle, if you're lucky, and 10 years and 2 kids later you're still just shacking up. And I'm quite sure that a major part of the reason you're still shacking up (and probably carrying most of the bills) is because you let him come from another woman's house to yours. Tell me, when was it that he was supposed to have learned responsibility?

Here's the deal. As women, we must take some of the blame. It begins while we're raising our sons. Are we picking up after them, cooking for them, doing their laundry...WHEN THEY'RE 20! Come on. Women are dominant in domestic responsibilities and work to shape men into what we want them to be. It's natural because God created us to be a help-mate. Operative word: HELP. Not DO-ALL. From the start, men follow a woman's regimen for what they should or shouldn't do. That is also where they decide what they should expect their wife/girlfriend to do. Add to that the possibility that there was no responsible, God-fearing father figure and you can forget it! For years, if he kept a clean room, it was because a woman told him to. If he didn't, it was because a woman told him he didn't have to because she would do it for him. Or maybe the whole family was just nasty and no one cleaned and he sees nothing wrong with that. When is he supposed to discover who he is and what he likes. He may discover that he doesn't like his underwear thrown on the floor. With no one else around, he'll also discover that he's hands DO work and he can pick them up himself.

Men need time to grow and develop into who they really are, not who women have told them to be. They need to experience that rent or better yet, mortgage, is due the first of EVERY month and that you have to do what is necessary, and legal, to make that happen. Yes, I said legal. I've been there too (again, that's another post). They need to experience that if you leave dishes piled up in the sink the roaches will accept that as an open invitation to dinner. And they also need time to re-evaluate between relationships, to re-adjust, to heal. (Yes, men hurt too. They just hide emotions better than we do). It's not just women who carry baggage. Ours can be hidden neatly in a Gucci purse. His can be in that old gym bag and he needs time and space to empty it out.

Another thing to consider is that you need a place see him be himself. You need to watch him in his element to know if you can live with his behavior long term. When you go to a zoo the penguins aren't in a grassy field. Nor are the lions sitting in ice. None of the animals are in rooms with plain white walls. Why? Because we humans want to see how they behave in their natural habitat, in their own domain. Why is it that women don't think we need to watch men in the same way? Don't get offended by the animal reference. If you don't witness him in HIS natural habitat, you'll be calling him a dog later on anyway! Trust me, men watch us...closely. They watch to see if we cook, clean, make good mothers. They watch to see if we have good credit and hold down a job. We should be smart enough to do the same.

So ladies, whatever your current relationship status, I hope this provides some insight. Now, if you're already in a shack-up situation, you'll need prayer and boundaries to either change it or get you out of it. That's for you to decide. And to all the mother's out there, raise your sons to be the men that you would want to date. Notice I didn't say raise them to be the men you've dated. Allow them to have a relationship with some man that can teach them how to be a man because with all you CAN teach them, you CAN'T teach them that.

Enjoy. Comment. Be Blessed!