Rule 2 - Part 2: Leave & Cleave...Sorry moms

Now, this doesn't apply to all mothers (caretakers) of sons so if the shoe doesn't fit don't squeeze into it.

Yesterday a reader posted that her mother-in-law still runs her (the reader's) husband a bath and lays out his slippers for him...What!!! I had to post this response for all to see...

Bluntly put...mothers, love your sons; don't be IN LOVE with your sons. Raise him, don't date him! What I want to know from mothers who provide so much for their sons is "What happens when he needs that physical intimacy that you can't provide him???" That is why so many men today can have sex with no commitment. All of the attributes and nurturing that men need, require from a woman once they are GROWN men are meant to be motivators for courting, commitment, and then marriage. The Creator designed it so. If you give him all of that he has no reason to stand up and be a man for the woman that he does have physical contact with, the woman who carries his children. That goes against all natural law and we wonder why are families our falling apart. It's very simple. Genesis 2 (amplified) says...

Verse 18-Now the Lord God said, It is not good (sufficient, satisfactory) that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper meet (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him.
Verse 22-And the rib or part of his side which the Lord God had taken from the man He built up and made into a woman, and He brought her to the man.
Verse 24 -Therefore a man shall LEAVE his father and his mother and shall become united and CLEAVE to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Before God gave man a mother, he gave him a WIFE!! Enough said.

Grown Girl's Rule #2: Never let a man come from another woman's house to yours!

That's right Ladies, I said it. Never let a man come from another woman's house to yours. I don't care if it's his mama's house, his sister's house and especially not the ex-girlfriend's house! That is definitely a NO-NO! This has been my rule from the time I left my mother's house and got my own apartment. And the one time that I wavered just a little bit...ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!

Now, I'm certainly not an advocate of "shacking up" nor do I have any plans of ever doing so (again) until the ring is on my finger, the date is set and we just so have happened to close on the property earlier than the wedding date...and even then, there are rules (another post). As my pastor, Dr. AR Bernard, teaches, living together is involvement, marriage is commitment. Even before that, for those of you who speak a different language, straight from my mom's kitchen "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Does that analogy work better for you? Despite hearing that a million times, there are many of us who will "shack up." No ring. No date. Just split the bills down the middle, if you're lucky, and 10 years and 2 kids later you're still just shacking up. And I'm quite sure that a major part of the reason you're still shacking up (and probably carrying most of the bills) is because you let him come from another woman's house to yours. Tell me, when was it that he was supposed to have learned responsibility?

Here's the deal. As women, we must take some of the blame. It begins while we're raising our sons. Are we picking up after them, cooking for them, doing their laundry...WHEN THEY'RE 20! Come on. Women are dominant in domestic responsibilities and work to shape men into what we want them to be. It's natural because God created us to be a help-mate. Operative word: HELP. Not DO-ALL. From the start, men follow a woman's regimen for what they should or shouldn't do. That is also where they decide what they should expect their wife/girlfriend to do. Add to that the possibility that there was no responsible, God-fearing father figure and you can forget it! For years, if he kept a clean room, it was because a woman told him to. If he didn't, it was because a woman told him he didn't have to because she would do it for him. Or maybe the whole family was just nasty and no one cleaned and he sees nothing wrong with that. When is he supposed to discover who he is and what he likes. He may discover that he doesn't like his underwear thrown on the floor. With no one else around, he'll also discover that he's hands DO work and he can pick them up himself.

Men need time to grow and develop into who they really are, not who women have told them to be. They need to experience that rent or better yet, mortgage, is due the first of EVERY month and that you have to do what is necessary, and legal, to make that happen. Yes, I said legal. I've been there too (again, that's another post). They need to experience that if you leave dishes piled up in the sink the roaches will accept that as an open invitation to dinner. And they also need time to re-evaluate between relationships, to re-adjust, to heal. (Yes, men hurt too. They just hide emotions better than we do). It's not just women who carry baggage. Ours can be hidden neatly in a Gucci purse. His can be in that old gym bag and he needs time and space to empty it out.

Another thing to consider is that you need a place see him be himself. You need to watch him in his element to know if you can live with his behavior long term. When you go to a zoo the penguins aren't in a grassy field. Nor are the lions sitting in ice. None of the animals are in rooms with plain white walls. Why? Because we humans want to see how they behave in their natural habitat, in their own domain. Why is it that women don't think we need to watch men in the same way? Don't get offended by the animal reference. If you don't witness him in HIS natural habitat, you'll be calling him a dog later on anyway! Trust me, men watch us...closely. They watch to see if we cook, clean, make good mothers. They watch to see if we have good credit and hold down a job. We should be smart enough to do the same.

So ladies, whatever your current relationship status, I hope this provides some insight. Now, if you're already in a shack-up situation, you'll need prayer and boundaries to either change it or get you out of it. That's for you to decide. And to all the mother's out there, raise your sons to be the men that you would want to date. Notice I didn't say raise them to be the men you've dated. Allow them to have a relationship with some man that can teach them how to be a man because with all you CAN teach them, you CAN'T teach them that.

Enjoy. Comment. Be Blessed!

Grown Girl's Rule #1 Knowing when he has too many kids! The Financial Question

Now Ladies, as I single woman, recently a single parent, I have never been opposed to dating men with children. Actually, I have been an advocate of it. I do not believe that you should miss out on a wonderful gentleman because he has had a life before you. However, there are some things that you need to take in to consideration, about yourself, him and his kids (and your kids if you have any) before your jump in. Ok, so here's the deal...
My single, successful, no-child-having girlfriend began dating a man with four children who says he is "dating with a purpose." Currently, the four children live miles away, but he is in the process of moving them in with him full-time. Scrreeeech...that's me hitting the brakes. Now, I know my girlfriend very well, and I know that she is used to having things her way. She has worked hard to build a well-rounded life for herself. As a woman, when your used to a certain lifestyle, you have to take into consideration how adding kids to the equation changes that life style, especially when it's an instant family...add you and stir. Aside from all of the other adjustments to a family when children enter in, financial adjustments are at the forefront. Whether children are yours, mines, our ours, they should always end up as "ours" which means the financial responsibility is "ours." And the less equipped he is to handle the finances now, the more of the responsibility that will fall on you later. And we all know that money, especially lack of money, is the number one cause for divorce and/or break ups.

So, here's the rule I gave her...

If he has more children than can share a large pizza pie with you and him and no one be left hungry when the pie is gone, he has too many children for you! Especially if you're not the 1 slice kinda girl! However, there is an exception to this rule (not every rule has exceptions). If he can afford to purchase as many pizza pies as will take to feed you, him and the children, and everyone is full...and he still has car fare, gas money, lunch money (you get the picture) to get him through the rest of the week, no month, then he just might be financially equipped to handle you and his children. Now, can he take you all out to eat at Peter Luger's or Morton's Steakhouse?

Be a Butterfly and Let Others Be!

A butterfly is one of God's most beautiful creations. It's strange to think that it starts out as a worm. I butterfly begins its life as a caterpillar, a fuzzy worm. But then, something amazing happens. At a specific point in its life, it hides way up in a tree and wraps itself in a cocoon. And a drastic change begins to take place. And just as it appears that the change is complete, the butterfly goes through a terrible struggle in order to get out of the cocoon. Well, one day, man watching this struggle felt sorry for the butterfly, as many of us would. So he thought he would help the butterfly by cutting open the cocoon. The butterfly crawled out of the cocoon but for some reason was unable to fly. His wings were not strong enough; the butterfly was crippled

You see, although it looked as if the change was completed inside the cocoon, God planned for one more step. The struggle that the butterfly goes through to get out of the cocoon is what makes its wings strong enough to fly. The butterfly needs to struggle to complete its change.

So, when you get to a point where you though your life was completely changed and then out of no where, you face a struggle...just remember the butterfly and get ready to spread your wings! And when it seems that a loved one is going through adversity and you just can't find a way to help them, maybe you shouldn't. Don't cripple them, just pray and then watch them fly!

Resolutions vs Relationships

Although I originally wrote this New Year's Eve of 2008, I felt compelled to share again. Everyday I come across folks who are looking for that presto-change-o way of making their lives better, their bank accounts bigger, their waists smaller, and the list goes on. We make New Year's resolutions, birthday resolutions, work resolutions. We create resolutions for seasons, we eat all Winter, then resolve in Spring to wear a two piece for Summer. Can you say "insanity?" It is not the resolution, but the relationships that we have with and the value we place on each of these things that makes the difference. Some things never change, and if you don't change your relationships, your circumstances won't change either.


Ok, so it's that time again...a new year. And everyone runs around making their "New Years Resolutions." We are going to join the gym and actually go. We're going to find a mate, save more money, get a better job, go back to school, go on a diet, and stop smoking. The list goes on and on. But, if we really think about it, it isn't resolutions that we need to make. It's relationships that we need to focus on. Relationships are the key to life. Relationships are how God molds us, strengthens us, and teaches us. As humans, we cannot grow in isolation. We grow and mature in our relationships. Just think, ladies...the FIRST relationship you have with a man is with your father. And that relationship shapes your behavior and attitudes towards relationship from then on. Men, the same holds true for the relationships you have with your mothers. And then add in sisters, brothers, family friends. Our relationship or lack there of, with money determines financial success or failure. How much do you respect your money? I could go on and on, for those of you who know me know I talk a lot anyway! LOL.

So, try something new this New Year. Forget resolutions and work on relationships! First, begin with your relationship with our creator and spiritual father God, or whatever you may call him. He loves us more than we can image; a perfect love, mature and unconditional. Next, work on your relationship with yourself. As you form a better relationship with yourself, loving yourself as you should, all of the things that you do that are not good for you will slowly fade. You will take better care of yourself. You won't measure yourself by anyone else's standards. You will refuse to be abused or taken for granted. You will realize your value and that is priceless. These two relationships are most important and as they become stable & productive, the same will hold true in relationships with friends, family, finances, coworkers, and children.

As we go into the New Year, I am thankful for what I have learned in life and I am excited about what I have yet to learn. So, I would like to share a few thoughts that I have picked up along the way from different places, but mostly from my Pastor, AR Bernard and the other ministers of CCC...

Maturity does not come with age, but with the acceptance of responsibility.

Those who lust desire only to benefit themselves at the expense of others. Those who love desire to benefit the one loved at the expense of self.

Too often we want to control what we can't and refuse to control what we can.

Never make someone a priority that makes you an option.

Pray for people, don't let then prey on you. (Especially for the ladies..Pray for him...from a distance!) LOL

Success and failure are the same in that they both start in small increments

If you want to have a good life you have to give up the bad attitude.

You can be pitiful or powerful, not both.

HAVE A HAPPY & BLESSED NEW YEAR!

People have always said that I have a old soul. I say that it comes from years of gaining wisdom, sitting in the corner of my mother's kitchen wrapped in a blanket, in a fetal position in my favorite chair listening to my mother and my aunts discussing everyday life from different perspectives. My mother used to say children are to been seen and not heard. So, I remained unheard but at the same time, I heard everything!
Thank God that I have been able to recall those words of wisdom at the right times in my life and the lives of my family and friends. Anyone that knows me knows that when you just want someone to listen and not say anything, I am NOT the girl to call! But when you are ready to hear some sound advice, the truth, what I would have wanted someone to tell me, or to tell my daughters, I AM the sister to call! My words are said with love and care, straight forward and to the point...but with all the love I have in my heart for my sisters. The Lord made me a lot of things, but before anything else, He made me a girl. And that I am now, a girl, a Grown Girl with a set of Rules for life that I would love to share with all my sisters out there. And at the same time, I am certain you all can teach me a thing or two...

So, welcome to my blog. Post, enjoy and Be Blessed!